English - The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

In honor of me starting my English teaching job this week, I'm going to display some of the wrongs that I hope to right in the world.

Now first, let's give the Japanese some credit. Anyone you talk to in Japan has some level of English, because it's mandatory from middle school on. If they can't speak it, they can at least understand a lot more than you think. That alone is a real credit to the nation.

And well...English is cool here. On the streets, it is honestly used as sort of a pop-culture phenomena more than anything else. I like to think that, in the absence of rigid English training, the language has sort of evolved here to take on new characteristics, ones unique to Japan. Remember, it was never meant specifically for our Western eyes, it's another tool that they are using as a culture to communicate. And in that light, it makes it kind of fun instead of just... regrettable (which, yeah, sometimes it just is). Besides, we in America are allowing some pretty awful things to be done to our own language so yeah, we're not ones to talk.

That being said, it is very easy for our Western eyes to be offended. Because I want to run a family-friendly blog, I'll spare you the worst examples I've seen, but let's just say that if I didn't know better, I would think WAAAAYYYY less of some companies. Sometimes I have been stopped in my tracks by terrible, terrible travesties, not just to the English language, but to the human race at large. Just remember...chances are like 99.9999% that they had no idea what they were talking about. And most people in Japan would die before they offended a stranger. So really, they have no idea what they're saying. Give them the benefit of the doubt. It can be...difficult...at times.

So let's look at how pop-English has evolved over here. I have compiled, for your pleasure, a small sampling, and I anticipate that I will be able to put together another post of these soon.

Bring out the specimens.

VARIETY #1: The "Awwwwwwwwww" 

Like the cute mistakes a toddler makes, sometimes you just have to smile at these adorable mishaps.

 Yes, it's incorrect. But look me in the eye and tell me it's not ADORABLE. You can't do it, can you?

This just creates a wellspring of happiness in me. It doesn't make any sense, but...D'AAAWWW!!!!

VARIETY #2: The Drama Queen (also - they Hyper-hyperbole 6.5)

These are some of my favorites. Like, I don't know why your shampoo has to wish you and all your posterity a thousand years of happiness, but it does anyway. Even when the English on these is all or mostly grammatically correct, it's just WAY over the top type English. These products read like Hallmark specials, which are all very well and good, but maybe just a tad bit misplaced.

Also, you can totally sometimes tell that they're using words just for the sake of using words. The more flowery, the better. With sparkles. And hearts. So. Many. Hearts.

A.K.A. My wishes are never coming true. Thanks for reminding me, purerose satchet.

Notebooks at a stationary store.

Text reads: "SECTION to your heart's content", "COMFORT to your heart's content", and "PLAIN to your heart's content".

Ok, I'll let the "comfort" one slide because it kind of makes sense, but the other two...no. Sorry. You know, it's not Kingdom Hearts, not everything HAS to have a heart on it.

Text reads: "Charming black cat with golden eyes dressed in heart, coming across gracefully like stepping a minuet. Good luck!"

Ok...pick either the "good luck" or the "black cat" theme. You can't have both. Sorry. Also, you can't step a minuet. Also sorry. Also also, more hearts.

...Look, I have the utmost faith that these wipes are really nice, really, but...really?

Oh wow! Much better than the plain 'ol ones.

This was written by a middle-aged father trying to impress his teenage kids, I just know it. It's a universal problem, and I feel for him.

*sigh* (This is an air-freshener.)

This pencil case spurs me on in my darkest moments. But why "lovely boy" across the top? The world may never know...

VARIETY #3 - The "There IS a better way to say that, I promise"

These gems leave you thinking: "There were so many other ways you could have said that. Better ways. Good ways. But you had to go get creative instead." Nothing wrong with the classics, buddy. Sometimes, you can tell the poor soul hired to write them just had a bad day and wanted to go home early. Most times, they are only barely even amusing - more grunt-worthy than anything. Go home and sleep, translator guy, and try again tomorrow.

OOOHHHH! So the house didn't burn down, it was just modified.

So...are there "many kinds to fit uses" or should I "not use for any other purposes"? I'm confused as to whether I have creative license here or not.

Also, I like that they pointed out that "It is a card ring." Needed that one.

VARIETY #4: The "Ok...but WHY??"

Not much else to say. These are the epitome of functional-deadness.

...Was there some confusion?

Ok look, it's cute, maybe even philosophical, but this is a laundry bag. 

VARIETY #5: The "Oh my, that's unfortunate"

These could have been avoided with just a SMIDGEN more English research. Like...THAT much more research. From somewhere that isn't Google Translate.

If you don't already get it, this is a can of propane. And whether you're referring to an explosive or the french, bowl-shaped dessert, it's just morbid.

You usually don't want to outright admit that you have no soul.

VARIETY #6: The "...............WHAT??"

These just...I don't even know. You just kind of have to accept that they exist and move on with life.

Words truly fall short.

Text reads: "Studio clip has always thought: happy your mind, you always (can't tell if it's "snuggle" or "smuggle")." But either way, it makes no sense.

Sounds...great?

This organ doesn't just want to kill you, it's out for the whole human race. Also, I would like to place a bet that it's a liver. (SCARY UPDATE: Turns out that this is a correct translation. The question of "....WHAT?!?!" still does not go away so it's staying on this list.)

.......

(It's ok, Mom, I don't need a cookie anymore.)

So there you have it! Hope that made your day a little brighter. I'm gathering more of these all the time, so stay tuned until next time.

Setsubun and How You Can Celebrate it Too (Includes Sushi Recipe and Instructions)

Today (February 3rd) is Setsubun! I'm already there (I'm from the future) but in a few hours time will catch up with you westerners and it will be the day to celebrate this seriously underappreciated festival!

Setsubun is fun. It's not a national holiday, it's just fun! The things you do on Setsubun are fun. It is a time for fun and I hope by now you've gotten the point that it's just loads of fun.

So what does one do on Setsubun?

Mostly throw soybeans at demons.

Yes, you read that right.

Stores are packed with these packs of roasted soybeans (called fukumame, or "fortune beans"). Most of them come with a paper mask of a demon (oni in Japanese). This mask is important. Some poor soul has to put on the mask, and everyone else throws the beans at them. Yes, you read that right.

This practice is called mamemaki and you can do it at home or at a local shrine. There's even this awesome chant to recite while you pelt that demon with soybeans. "Oni wa soto! Fuku wa uchi!" (Demons out! Fortune in!) Needless to say, this is lots of fun. That's the casting out bad luck part. You also bring good luck in by eating the roasted soybeans, but that part is slightly less fun than throwing them.

And then there's the customary food, which just so happens to be sushi.

But not just any sushi! This is the one time of year where it is common to eat sushi rolls instead of traditional nigiri, called futomaki (literally "fat rolls"). Not only that, but they are uncut. Yes, once a year you get to eat a sushi roll burrito style. This is so, SO MUCH FUN.

 Look how fancy that thing is! And also, note at the bottom of the picture how many were left when I went shopping at 10 A.M. I guess they sell like hotcakes!

The traditional name is eho-maki, which means "lucky direction roll", and there are a few rules for how you eat it. First, you need to eat it facing the direction of the year. This year, because it's the year of the chicken, it's North-Northwest. It's a zodiac thing. And it's fun.

I guess next year is true north!

Then, from the time you take the first bite until your roll is completely consumed, you can't say a word. If you do, then it's bad luck. This is fun because getting other people to try to talk while facing one direction and stuffing sushi in your mouth is really fun.

So those are the instructions for how to have a fun, basic Setsubun at home. Now, let me show you how to make a futomaki.

The first Setsubun I celebrated was in college. We made this exact recipe and had an amazing time making (and eating) sushi.

Here's the recipe:

- Nori (seaweed sheets)

- Calrose rice, cooked (or another variety of asian rice. It MUST be sticky rice. You can order a tub of chinese take-out rice, that works too.)

- Vinegar (white or rice)

- Sugar

- Eggs

- Cucumber

- Napa Cabbage 

- Canned tuna

- Mayonnaise

- Artificial crab meat (the sticks work perfectly)

First, you need the sushi rice.

Now sushi rice is an art that people spend their lives trying to perfect, but do not despair. You can still make perfectly delicious rice as an amateur. Transfer your cooked rice to a bowl and get out your regular white vinegar (or rice vinegar if you are fancy) and white sugar. The su in sushi means "vinegar"! Sushi rice is just rice lightly seasoned with vinegar and sugar (more of the former than the latter). Add vinegar, one capfull at a time, mix and repeat until you can just taste a hint of it in the rice. The key is lightly seasoned rice. Add a few pinches of sugar to taste. It's easiest to mix with a spatula or a rice paddle, something with a wide, flat surface. The rice should be pretty sticky by the time you're done with it (if you used non-Japanese rice, this will not happen and you will have immediate regrets).

Next you spread the rice over the seaweed sheet. This is kind of tricky but no matter how bad it looks, it will still taste good. Use a spatula or rice paddle, or your fingers (which is what I personally prefer), and the key is to spread, not pack the rice. Seaweed has two sides, one slightly shinier than the other. Spread the rice on the NOT shiny side. The not-shiny side is rougher and that helps in the spreading of the rice. Don't go overboard on the rice or it will overpower the goodies you're going to roll up. Also, your roll will be more aesthetically pleasing if you spread the rice very evenly (it will look smoother once rolled).

Now for the goodies.

The key here is strips. Everything should be prepared in strips. When you buy a Setsubun sushi kit here in Japan, it looks like this:

Do thou likewise.

Sushi eggs are slightly sweet. Add a pinch or two of white sugar to beaten eggs. Fry them omelette-style (the fatter the better) in an oiled pan and cut into strips. (It's not traditional to add milk like we do for scrambled eggs. Just stick with eggs and sugar).

Peel the cucumber and cut it lengthwise into strips. Napa cabbage doesn't "strip" so well, so just tear off the leafiest parts and cut off the stocks that are too thick (the not-tasty parts).

Mix the canned tuna with mayo like you're making tuna salad. If you bought the strip-type artificial crab, you're good to go, if you bought the flake type, you can go ahead and mix it in with the tuna. If you want your fill of raw fish, you can buy a filet of tuna and cut it into long strips. But canned is cheaper.

Once you have all your ingredients assembled, just lay them out in the center of your rice-covered seaweed. From there, you just have to roll it! You don't have to use a sushi mat but you can. Go slowly. You can do it!

If you're using a mat, this graphic might be useful.

And your results will be tasty. Remember, for maximum authenticity, do not cut your roll and eat it in silence while facing north-northwest.

Happy Setsubun everybody!

Shopping in Japanese is "Kaimono" - Which Literally Means "Buy Stuff"

So the basic principles of shopping are basically the same here. Look at the stuff, pick what you want, put it in your cart, pay for it, and leave. So I won’t bother much with those. However, in writing what I fully expected to be a short post, I realized that there actually are a lot of nuances that set Japanese shopping apart.

So let’s explore those!

First and foremost, check your wallet! One of the biggest changes I had to make to my daily life in Japan was the switch from card to cash. I never carried cash in America. Ever. Here, it’s all I use. It’s not that Japan doesn’t have credit/debit cards (they do – though debit cards are VERY new), it’s that a good number of stores, even some of the big ones, just straight-up don’t take them. You can’t go into a store and expect to be able to pay at the end unless you have cash. And it’s rough to have a cart full of stuff and find out that you can't pay at the check-out counter. And embarrassing. For everyone. Yes, the cashier will be embarrassed for you too.

Isn’t it weird? Japan is on the cutting edge of technology, embracing every widget that makes life faster and easier, but for some reason, cards just aren’t mainstream like they are in America. Even Burger King doesn’t take cards, and they’re an American company!

So as a general rule for everyday living, I try to keep no less than 5,000 yen ($50ish) in my wallet, which will always be more than enough to buy me a meal and a trip home in case of an unprecedented navigational emergency (it happens). It’s that sweet spot that is enough to cover my needs and a little treat or two, but also limited enough to keep me from spending when I shouldn’t (and Japan is DANGEROUS like that. Did you know they have photo-realistic potato chip post-it notes? TOTALLY NEEEEEED.). It’s also an amount that won’t traumatize me if I lose it. Obviously if I have something more expensive in mind, I will withdraw more. ATMs, thankfully, are ubiquitous. Vital for a cash-driven society. Still, the fact that you have to expend that effort to find one keeps you more mindful about how fast you empty your wallet.

Japanese currency amounts are a bit different. Coins are 1, 5, 10, 50, 100, and 500 yen. Yes, that means that until you hit 1,000 ($10), you pay with coins, and “$1” and “$5 bills” are coins. You learn to count them real quick, which is another skill in itself, let me tell you. Bills are 1,000, 5,000, and 10,000. 2,000s are no longer printed but you see them occasionally, and there is no equivalent for a quarter. If there are any others, I’ve never seen them. Get rid of 1s as fast as you can, hoard 100 and 500’s (SUPER useful), and keep a few in between. The 10s are especially handy for vending machines.

So you pay with cash. Let’s talk about tax.

Sales tax in Japan is 8%. Yes, it’s 2% more than America, but that’s just the price of awesome and you have to live with it. If you are a visitor and bring your passport, you can actually get this tax refunded to you. Good to know, right? For everyone else, when sales tax was raised a few years ago, a clause in the law stated that stores MUST display the price with tax included, which saves you some brain power. Nice, right? Some stores are very upright and just say the price flat out, others are sneakier and display the higher number in smaller font. There are also kanji, but you don’t have to know them to see that the higher of the two listed prices is probably the one that includes the tax. If only one price is listed, you can be confident that it includes the tax already.

Comprehension check: How much will you pay for this lovely shelf?

One more cultural note on shopping before we dive into the nitty-gritty. In Tokyo, most people don't have cars. That means you have to haul your goods home yourself. Now think of carrying home that cart you filled to the brim with stuff from Wal-Mart last week. Doesn't work, does it? In Japan, it's not only possible, it's normal. The first part that makes it work is that shopping centers are close to residential areas. If you're more than 10 minutes walk from a grocery store, you are an anomaly. Grocery stores are everywhere, even, awesomely enough, in malls (why has no one else done this before??). I am within reasonable walking distance of no less than five grocery vendors, and two of those are supaa's, or Japanese superstores (more on those later). The second part is that grocery shopping is more like an everyday chore than a weekly event. You get smaller batches more frequently. This keeps food fresher, doesn't overfill your tiny refrigerator, doesn't break your back, and allows you to utilize the different sales that stores have each day. 

 And now, for the actual shopping.

There are all flavors of shopping in Japan – everything you can think of and more. But for this article, I’m going to focus on the basic, everyday flavor and save the amazing wonders of street shopping and convenience stores for another time. Supermarkets, called “supaa” in Japanese (just take the "rmarket" out of "supermarket"), are the staples of my life. They range from the friendly neighborhood grocer to the most unbelievably enormous monoliths to the gods of shopping that you have never been capable of imagining before.

Take my personal favorite, Ito Yokado. Fun fact! Guess which company owns it?

Yes, THAT slurpee loving, gas-station 7-Eleven. 

This behemoth is 8 stories of shopping. So, when I say you can get everything here, I mean you can get EVERYTHING here. It is all stores in one store, the one store to rule them all. It is your Wal-mart, Albertson's, Walgreen's, Home Depot, Ikea, Kohl's, Best Buy, Barnes and Noble, Dollar Tree, and more rolled into one location. Gaze at their store directory and weep. I have summarized as much as I can of it for extra effect.

B2 and B3: Parking

B1: "Food Floor" - Grocery, liquor, food court, entrance to train station

1F: "Daily Living Floor" - Daily necessities (cleaning stuff, etc.), pet goods, bicycle repair, watches, personal care products

2F: "Clothing and Young Fashion Floor: - Accessories, youth clothing, shoes, purses

3F: "Women's Fashion Floor" - Women's clothes, including professional business attire, a beautician's studio

4F: "Men's Clothing and Sports Floor" - Men's clothing, including casual and business attire, sports clothes AND equipment (both sexes)

5F: "Children's and Underwear Floor" - Children's clothing, underwear, socks, handicraft, toys, stationary, pajamas

6F: "Living Floor" - Bedding, interior (design stuff), household goods (kitchen tools, furniture, etc.), organization, home appliances

7F: "Food and Hobbies Floor" - Misc. restaurants, dollar store (Daiso), CD/DVD, glasses/contacts, playland for kids

8F: Some kind of gallery. Never been there. Too busy with the other 8 shopping floors.

You could live very nicely out of this store and not have a single want ever. Or any other one like it. Aeon is another big name with monster stores like this. 

So WOW. You can get lost in these things. It's an awesome feeling. It's also a great place to stop by if you're a tourist, because you will get to see ALL THE JAPANESE THINGS!!! With more effort, you could find cheaper places, but prices are usually perfectly reasonable. And it doesn't get much better than the dollar store on the 7th floor, which is like an American dollar store but with more things and higher quality things.

The only rule you really need to know for these megashops is that you need to purchase the items on the floor where you selected them, or from the specific sub-shop if there is one (there's a purse boutique in Ito Yokado, for example, that has their own check out stand). This means you will need to check out several times if you buy from multiple floors. They usually have a stamp or printed tape they put on the bag or over the barcode to show that your item has been paid for so you don't get questioned as you move from floor to floor. Japanese stores are also great at bagging and packing your goods so they will survive the trip home, even if that trip doesn't happen immediately. When I bought an assemble-yourself shelf set, for example, they attached the niftiest handle so I could carry it easily. I proceeded down a few floors to get some groceries before heading home. Shopping in Japan, you see a lot of people carrying multiple bags on their arms. You get used to seeing it, and doing it too.

So for the rest of the article I'm going to teach you the grocery shopping process, because that's kind of essential for life and stuff. 

It starts with the basket. Not the cart. It starts with the basket because you take the basket and put it IN the cart.

You can put a basket on the bottom too if you need more space! But that's a lot to carry home...

Random note, Japanese carts have the best maintained wheels ever and drive like a breeze. I never knew what kind of difference that would make in my life until it happened to me.

Getting back on topic, the basket is vital for the check-out process so don't skimp out on it. You can just use the basket if you want, too. But DON'T just use the cart. People will shake their heads and secretly sigh at you.

Then the fun part, shopping! Here's what my groceries were a week or two ago:

So after you've gotten your fill get in line and wait to check out. When there's room, take your basket OUT of the cart and set it on the long counter. There are no conveyor belts to move your goods like in America, so scoot your basket along as you move through the line. This is why you have a basket. It's more awkward to scoot without it. 

The cashier will scan each item and move it from your basket to a different colored basket, indicating that it has been paid for (at this Aeon, it's red). They will take your original basket and transport it back for you. Instead of handing your money directly to the cashier, there is a little tray for you to put your money in. I suspect this is to either out of respect for personal space or to limit germ spread through contact or both but I can't honestly say that I know. What I do know is that unless a hand is extended, or there really is no tray, use it. It's just a thing in Japan. 

The checkout stand has several cool features that you're missing out on if you don't use. You can ask for plastic cutlery and/or chopsticks, free of charge. Good employees will even ask you if you want some if they see some ready-meals in your basket. They have the most adorable ice-cream spoons for individual ice cream cups, and little plastic shovel/spoons if you buy Japanese gelatin or cakes (yummmm). There's a microwave beyond the bagging counters so you can get something tasty fresh-made and eat it right there. You can also ask for a dry ice token to help transport your frozen foods home (more on that later).  

After you've paid, take your new colored basket and approach the bagging area(s), which are easy to find because they will have rolls of the clear bags and other people will also be bagging their things there. Get out of the checkout area as quickly as possible so you're not in the way of the next customer. Don't try to bag in a location that's not a bagging area unless you can stuff it in your pocket or something in less than about a second. You'll disrupt the flow. And I know this from personal experience because I am a bumbling, clueless foreigner sometimes.

The place appointed for the bagging process.

Bagging groceries is a strictly DIY activity, right down to providing your own bag. You can buy one if you need one by taking a tag from the side of the check-out screen and putting it in your basket for them to scan with your groceries. They cost 3 yen for a regular size and 5 for a large. Not going to break your bank, but you really just get used to carrying your own fabric bags every time you go shopping. The clear bags are free, so use them ad libitum for your meats and loose produce. These are super handy to use for disposing of food later (see post on trash disposal) so save them! 

One more awesome feature: the dry ice machine. Remember how I said the Japanese are pros at packing and storing? They work on the assumption that you will NOT go home right away, so they pack you up accordingly. This means protecting frozen foods. Even some refrigerated foods will come with little cool-gel packs. But anyway. If you got the token from the cashier, you take it and the special bag provided to THE MACHINE.

It's dry ice. It's intensely cold. It kind of feels like you're in a chemistry lab because you have to lock the hatch and stuff. It feels dangerous. It's not...totally, anyway. If you're careful. So basically you hang the bag inside, yellow tube in the bag (that's where the ice comes out), and shut the door. Insert your token and push the green button and shaved dry ice magically dispenses. Put your frozen goodies in the bag and have no worries about them for up to several hours! Just make sure that the ice never touches your skin, ever, no matter how slightly! 

Because it's dry ice, your food won't get wet as the ice melts. So cool. Literally, so cool.

And that's the low-down on shopping! Just like train stations, it sounds like a lot written down but in practice it just flows. If nothing else, I present you my motto for living in Tokyo: "When in doubt, watch someone else do it first."

A few final notes for shopping the Tokyo way. If you are buying something heavy, the store will have delivery options, because they know most of their clients are on foot and it's really hard to carry home a new microwave. If you pay enough (for appliances, furniture, etc.) it's usually offered for free. Sometimes you have to wait up to a week, or you can pay more to rush it. It depends on the store. But it is offered. Almost always.

If you're the type who likes to save time, get packages, or both, then grocery delivery services might be right for you. They are super convenient. We use one called Co-Op, erroneously pronounced as "cope" and it drives me bananas every time. They hang a bag on our doorknob every week. 

Inside the bag are about seven different catalogs. We only use the one for food and household goods, but you can order anything from them.

And then there's an order form, which looks scary but isn't.

You find the item you want in the catalog, find the corresponding number on the order form, and enter the desired quantity. Hang everything back on the door in that lovely mango-colored bag. When the delivery men come (once a week, Thursdays for us), they will take your order sheet and replace the old catalogs with new ones. Next week, your food shows up at your door, they take your order sheet, and they give you a new catalog and order sheet. The food is packaged to last with plenty of ice-packs in coolers, stacked, and then the whole tower of foods is covered with a silver, insulating tarp. You pay through automatic deposit so no need to worry about paying the guys, and the food stays fine even if you don't bring it in for a whole day. Best part? Prices are comparable to those at a supermarket, and a lot of times, even better.

"Honey, groceries are here!"

Last shopping secret for Tokyo area only...that will make you so happy....

Amazon.jp has FREE next-day shipping on EVERYTHING. 

(and also an English webpage)

So between them and Co-Op, you kind of don't have to go shopping...like ever.

...Yes. I will just end on that note. What else needs to be said? Tokyo is amazing.

Tokyo Trains - The Most Exhaustive Guide Ever Written

So you want to actually go somewhere in Tokyo? Getting a little cabin-fever in your small Japanese-style apartment? How will you get to Daiba, or Asakusa, or the grocery market with the incredible deals across town?

So cars are out unless you are rich. It's not the car that's the problem, it's the parking. At your own apartment, you will have to pay hundreds of dollars (Several 10,000's of yen) just for the elite privileged of parking the thing at your own house. Then, everywhere you go, it's pretty standard to pay 2-3,000 yen (20-30 dollars) for times as short as an hour. So...bummer.

If you don't have that kind of dough, welcome to the magical world of

And I'm not being sarcastic, it is magical. Can't you see the sparkles?

The Japanese have got it down to an art. It's amazing. You would think that such a crazy mess would turn out to be...well, a crazy mess. But it just works. I don't know how, but it does.

Let's start with trains. They're affordable, they're dependable, and they'll get you anywhere you need to go. Best of all, you need ZERO JAPANESE to navigate the system, all you need is a little know-how. And I'm going to give that to you. I was cruising the system like a boss a full month before we covered the transportation unit in my Japanese class.

So for starters, let's go on a train ride together, shall we?

So you will notice several things about Japanese trains right off the bat. First of all, those screens above the doors are great. They will save your life. The one on the left is kind of fun and shows ads and news clips (trains are big advertising mediums, as you can see by the posters throughout the car). The one on the right is the one you really need to pay attention to. It shows you everything you need to know (and more!) about the train you are on and current delays for other train lines, handy for connections.

There's a screen showing your current car and a map of the approaching platform, complete with locations of stairs/escalators, etc. It shows a map of the stops along the line, how long it will take to get to each stop, and any connecting lines those stations have (connecting lines are also announced verbally at each stop). It shows any delays and alerts from the Police Department. Don't worry about these. "High Alert" sounds scary, but I've never been a train where it WASN'T announced that the police department was on "high alert". It's kind of like an airport in that way. High security and all.

The best thing is that EVERY. SINGLE. SCREEN. is shown first in Japanese, and then in English. No Japanese needed. None. Zip. Zelch. If you can read English, you can ride a train. In fact, some of the airport lines have Korean and Chinese too. The announcements are also made first in Japanese, then English. In fact, trains have the best English I've heard in the country hands-down. They probably hired a native for that one. Good for them!

Not all trains have the two big screens, some just have a running LED strip, and even older ones will just have a printed map, but the information is the same. Even on the smallest, dinkiest local train ever, English will be there to save the day (although not always verbally). Just read. Seriously.

And did you hear that "Little Mermaid" ditty? Most stops have their own signature tune that plays when trains arrive and depart. Ooimachi just happens to like the "Little Mermaid". The best one I've ever heard is below. I was laughing about it all day. This was a limited-time only track played at Jiyugaoka in celebration of the release of a new movie. Guess which one.

So. Epic.

But seriously, it's tons of fun to hear every station's different song. I hear rumors that there's actually an app that lets you play them all on your phone, and I am resolved to find it.

So that's the train. Etiquette mandates that you silence your phones and generally maintain a quiet atmosphere. This is good, otherwise rush-hour trains would be a deafness hazard. Keep to yourself in general - you're sometimes crammed together physically, which they compensate for by respecting your personal/emotional bubble. This means that your neighbor probably won't want to strike up a conversation with you. It's nothing personal, I promise. Also, there are usually seats reserved for the elderly, handicapped/injured, mothers with small children, and pregnant women. Yield your seat. Really. Don't be a jerk. Also, because Japanese business people are so busy and exhausted, sleeping on the train is common. You might get a head on your shoulder. Don't freak out if it happens.

So how do you get ON the train?

Let me walk you though it step-by-step. But first, an important note:

***This is an exhaustive guide because I'm bored and have the time to spell out everything. It looks like a lot of information. Maybe it is. Maybe I'm overly wordy. But do it once, and you'll have it down. It flows, and it's natural. Like I said, Japanese trains probably should be a helpless mess, but they run like clockwork. I promise it's not as scary as it sounds. If all else fails, train staff are everywhere and if you tell the name of your destination station, they can play charades with you. I have done this before and it works. Don't be hatin' on charades, I live by it.

STEP 1: Pre-plan

There are lots of ways to do this. The easiest is Google Maps. If you just type your destination in and select the train icon, it will show you lots of different routes. You can sort them by shortest time, cheapest fare, etc. This is a sample of how to get from Asakusa (a famous tourist spot) to Daiba (shopping island of infinite wonders extravaganza).

Then once you select an option you get all the details.

As you can see, this tells you everything you need to know from the fare to the platform you will need to be at to catch your train. Google does good work. There are other apps but I haven't found one as comprehensive as good ol' Google. In English, anyway.

If you don't do the smartphone or internet things, old-school maps work too.

DO NOT PANIC.

You're panicking aren't you? I told you not to do that.

***SCARY FACT: This is only the above-ground trains. The subways have a whole different map. Also...this is only one train company (Japan Railways or JR for short). There are others, like Tokyu, Keio, etc. Basically, this isn't even the whole picture. It's probably not even half of the picture.

So look, 99% of these stations you will never use, ever. Just find the closest station to you and look up what line it's on. Find your destination and what line it is on and play connect-the dots along the lines. If you change colors along your path, you have to change trains. It's no biggie. I change trains twice to get to church every week. But still, the fewer changes the better (and generally, the cheaper too).

And totally don't worry about departure times unless you absolutely need an express, which is approximately never. Just show up at the station. The magic of Tokyo is that your train, no matter what train it is, is departing every few minutes. I've never had to wait for a train more than 7 minutes or so, and most for most trains I only wait 3-4. Pay much more attention to the duration of your ride, which Google Maps also provides.

Once you have your route, complete with connections, you're set for step two.

STEP 2: Paying your fare

There are two ways to pay, old school at the ticket machine, or new school with a re-loadable card. Either way you have to stop at a ticket machine (to get the card at first, anyway). Every single ticket machine I have EVER seen in the WHOLE country no matter how old it is has a "language" button where you can select "English". Above the ticket machines there is a fare table. The rest is self-explanatory. Pay the machine and get your ticket. Alternatively, for a flat, one-time fee of 500 yen ($5), you can purchase a Suica or Passmo card. This card is yours forever and you just keep reloading money on it when you run out. Nifty.

Suica and Passmo function exactly the same way so it kind of doesn't matter which one you get. But Suica has a penguin on it so I like it more.

STEP 3: Entering the gate

So you've paid for your trip. Now, here's where the most important points ever start to become important.

READ ALL THE SIGNS. 

AND

DOUBLE CHECK THE SIGNS.

AND THEN 

LOOK FOR MORE SIGNS AND DOUBLE CHECK THEM TOO.

Got it? Good. Everyone who has ever gotten on the wrong train or lost in a station has failed to do the above. You should be looking up at the signs at all times. If you're looking at the floor you will get lost. Keep your chin up, literally. It's just that simple.

Make SURE you are entering the gate for the right line. Double and triple and quadruple check. Directions are in English, I promise. You just have to look for them. If you enter the wrong gate, you sometimes have to pay money to get out.

When looking at the gates, pay attention to which directions those trains are going. Sometimes it doesn't matter, but sometimes holy cow it does. For example, the entrance to the Rinkai line trains going to Shin-kiba (north-ish) MAY be different than the Rinkai line trains going to Kawagoe (west-ish). This separation is especially common in small, local stations. So when you pick a train, you need to not only know the line, but the direction the train goes along that line. The direction is named for the station that marks the end-point of that line.

If the sign looks like this and your line is listed, you're safe to enter. You can worry about direction later. This gate, for instance, leads to several different lines. Look above you for more signs and continued directions. They will always have arrows pointing to which line's platform is where.

If the sign specifies a direction (for "x" station(s)), you best make sure that's the direction you want. These two entrances are on separate sides of the street, so it actually makes a BIG difference which gate you pick.

When you are positive you have selected the right gate, go through it. If you have a ticket, slide it in the slot and walk through. MAKE SURE TO PICK IT UP AT THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GATE. You need that ticket to get out so don't lose it! If you have a prepaid card, just tap it on the shiny blue portal of happiness magic. The screen will show your balance remaining on the card.

4) Double check, and board your train

From the inside of the gate, there are more signs and maps to help you. Read them.

The standard screen has departure times, type of train (local, rapid, or express), destination, and number of cars on the train. Delay information is also shown here. This is a good time to check that the approaching train is going in the right direction.

They also usually have maps specific to the line, with information on transfers, timetables, etc. If you are taking a rapid or express train, this is a good place to make sure they will stop at your station. That faster speed comes from stopping at fewer stations, so don't get a rapid or express if it doesn't stop at your station! Also, you sometimes have to pay more for an express (rapids are usually safe).

Also, trains run on military time.

When the train approaches, do one final check. The train will have on it, in English, the name of the final stop on it. Make sure that is the direction you want! Also, make sure it's not a rapid or express when you need a local train. Some platforms have several different lines and directions of trains stop there, so be sure it's going where you want it to go!

Only a few rules for boarding the train. Let the people get off before you swarm in, and don't get in special reserved "green cars" (these are clearly marked). The "green-cars" are for people who are posh enough to shell out the dough to ensure that they can actually sit instead of standing like the common plebeian. This requires a special ticket and an inflated ego. If you have a medical reason to sit, that's what the reserved seats are for - they are there to be used so use them. If this doesn't apply to you, probably don't make a habit of sitting in those seats. Be a good person. There are sometimes women-only cars. These are not sexist - they exist as a protection because a lot of women were getting groped by men on crowded trains. (You only have to worry about women-only trains during rush hours, every other time they're just normal cars open to everyone.) Take a seat or grab a handle and enjoy the ride!

STEP 5: Transfers and disembarking

So get off at your station. If it's the end of your journey, follow signs for the exit. Sometimes a station has several exits, so use Google Maps to see which one will put you closest to your destination. At the gate, insert your ticket (it will not be returned this time), or tap your Suica/Passmo card. The screen will show how much your trip cost and your new balance. You usually save a few yen by using the card as opposed to a ticket, but the biggest discount I've ever gotten was 6 yen so don't feel too bad if you go old-school. Congrats! You did it!

If you are transferring, there are a few things to keep in mind.

Every time you enter a gate, you must pay more money. Sometimes you can transfer without going through a gate, just follow signs to the new line and be happy with life. That leg of the trip will be bundled into your total at your final destination. Sometimes you do have to exit through a gate and re-enter a new one. Usually this is when you're transferring from one company's train to another's, which makes sense. Gotta pay each company their separate dues, right? But remember, if you exit a gate, you have to pay to get back in. So make sure the line you want is outside that gate or you've just paid for a detour. This mistake is an easy was to double your fare. So signs are your friends. Read them twice. They will guide you.

You need a new ticket to get into the new gate, or just tap your card again. Repeat ad-nauseum, and welcome to commuting in Tokyo!