English - The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

In honor of me starting my English teaching job this week, I'm going to display some of the wrongs that I hope to right in the world.

Now first, let's give the Japanese some credit. Anyone you talk to in Japan has some level of English, because it's mandatory from middle school on. If they can't speak it, they can at least understand a lot more than you think. That alone is a real credit to the nation.

And well...English is cool here. On the streets, it is honestly used as sort of a pop-culture phenomena more than anything else. I like to think that, in the absence of rigid English training, the language has sort of evolved here to take on new characteristics, ones unique to Japan. Remember, it was never meant specifically for our Western eyes, it's another tool that they are using as a culture to communicate. And in that light, it makes it kind of fun instead of just... regrettable (which, yeah, sometimes it just is). Besides, we in America are allowing some pretty awful things to be done to our own language so yeah, we're not ones to talk.

That being said, it is very easy for our Western eyes to be offended. Because I want to run a family-friendly blog, I'll spare you the worst examples I've seen, but let's just say that if I didn't know better, I would think WAAAAYYYY less of some companies. Sometimes I have been stopped in my tracks by terrible, terrible travesties, not just to the English language, but to the human race at large. Just remember...chances are like 99.9999% that they had no idea what they were talking about. And most people in Japan would die before they offended a stranger. So really, they have no idea what they're saying. Give them the benefit of the doubt. It can be...difficult...at times.

So let's look at how pop-English has evolved over here. I have compiled, for your pleasure, a small sampling, and I anticipate that I will be able to put together another post of these soon.

Bring out the specimens.

VARIETY #1: The "Awwwwwwwwww" 

Like the cute mistakes a toddler makes, sometimes you just have to smile at these adorable mishaps.

 Yes, it's incorrect. But look me in the eye and tell me it's not ADORABLE. You can't do it, can you?

This just creates a wellspring of happiness in me. It doesn't make any sense, but...D'AAAWWW!!!!

VARIETY #2: The Drama Queen (also - they Hyper-hyperbole 6.5)

These are some of my favorites. Like, I don't know why your shampoo has to wish you and all your posterity a thousand years of happiness, but it does anyway. Even when the English on these is all or mostly grammatically correct, it's just WAY over the top type English. These products read like Hallmark specials, which are all very well and good, but maybe just a tad bit misplaced.

Also, you can totally sometimes tell that they're using words just for the sake of using words. The more flowery, the better. With sparkles. And hearts. So. Many. Hearts.

A.K.A. My wishes are never coming true. Thanks for reminding me, purerose satchet.

Notebooks at a stationary store.

Text reads: "SECTION to your heart's content", "COMFORT to your heart's content", and "PLAIN to your heart's content".

Ok, I'll let the "comfort" one slide because it kind of makes sense, but the other two...no. Sorry. You know, it's not Kingdom Hearts, not everything HAS to have a heart on it.

Text reads: "Charming black cat with golden eyes dressed in heart, coming across gracefully like stepping a minuet. Good luck!"

Ok...pick either the "good luck" or the "black cat" theme. You can't have both. Sorry. Also, you can't step a minuet. Also sorry. Also also, more hearts.

...Look, I have the utmost faith that these wipes are really nice, really, but...really?

Oh wow! Much better than the plain 'ol ones.

This was written by a middle-aged father trying to impress his teenage kids, I just know it. It's a universal problem, and I feel for him.

*sigh* (This is an air-freshener.)

This pencil case spurs me on in my darkest moments. But why "lovely boy" across the top? The world may never know...

VARIETY #3 - The "There IS a better way to say that, I promise"

These gems leave you thinking: "There were so many other ways you could have said that. Better ways. Good ways. But you had to go get creative instead." Nothing wrong with the classics, buddy. Sometimes, you can tell the poor soul hired to write them just had a bad day and wanted to go home early. Most times, they are only barely even amusing - more grunt-worthy than anything. Go home and sleep, translator guy, and try again tomorrow.

OOOHHHH! So the house didn't burn down, it was just modified.

So...are there "many kinds to fit uses" or should I "not use for any other purposes"? I'm confused as to whether I have creative license here or not.

Also, I like that they pointed out that "It is a card ring." Needed that one.

VARIETY #4: The "Ok...but WHY??"

Not much else to say. These are the epitome of functional-deadness.

...Was there some confusion?

Ok look, it's cute, maybe even philosophical, but this is a laundry bag. 

VARIETY #5: The "Oh my, that's unfortunate"

These could have been avoided with just a SMIDGEN more English research. Like...THAT much more research. From somewhere that isn't Google Translate.

If you don't already get it, this is a can of propane. And whether you're referring to an explosive or the french, bowl-shaped dessert, it's just morbid.

You usually don't want to outright admit that you have no soul.

VARIETY #6: The "...............WHAT??"

These just...I don't even know. You just kind of have to accept that they exist and move on with life.

Words truly fall short.

Text reads: "Studio clip has always thought: happy your mind, you always (can't tell if it's "snuggle" or "smuggle")." But either way, it makes no sense.

Sounds...great?

This organ doesn't just want to kill you, it's out for the whole human race. Also, I would like to place a bet that it's a liver. (SCARY UPDATE: Turns out that this is a correct translation. The question of "....WHAT?!?!" still does not go away so it's staying on this list.)

.......

(It's ok, Mom, I don't need a cookie anymore.)

So there you have it! Hope that made your day a little brighter. I'm gathering more of these all the time, so stay tuned until next time.